I feel old sometimes.  Not that I am, or am even close to being considered old, but there is something about running into incredibly wise people who are younger than you that makes you feel like you’ve been around forever and haven’t learned anything from it.  I think I’ve just been used to having people comment to me saying that I seemed so wise for my age and now I’m realizing that I’m one of those people myself.
Oddly enough, its not that I don’t have the same thoughts that I did when I was 17 or whatever, its just that now my ability to communicate them seems to have changed.  I’ve been disconnected from a few of the places that I treasured the most and haven’t been back in a few years.  Ok, not really since High School, which is a shame.  I need a place where its quiet and I can be away from my computer¹ and just hang out somewhere in the mountains or by a lake alone for awhile.

Mostly to figure out what I’m going to do with myself after this chapter of my life ends.²  Because as much as I’ve been seeking some kind of direction these last few years I really have nothing except a sometimes questioning thought of “Am I wasting all this money and four years of my life for nothing?”

One thing I’ve learned this week is that connecting unexpectedly with people who share a similar belief is one of the most refreshing things that I could have ever encountered.  I really crave that some days.  Despite a slight difference in what we believe³ the ability to be openly candid with her on some topics of faith is something that I’ve been lacking in my life.

This week so far as been a wonderful train wreck really.  Interesting.

1. which most people think I can’t do, but am capable of↩
2. soon↩
3. she’s Mormon↩

Last night it was so clear and not windy¹ and I decided to go sit outside on my back deck and just hang out for a bit. Purposely trying to distance myself from a lot of things I figured the best place to be was outside at 1 in the morning knowing that it should be almost dead silent. A lot can be said for having just a touch of silence.

I didn’t do that much thinking like I though that I might. For someone who’s brain goes a mile a minute I found this odd. So I sat outside in relatively cold weather and didn’t really do anything. It was nice though. I think in some way, I was waiting for something to happen that was entirely profound, but of course that wouldn’t happen when you hope for it.

I really do need to get away from everything more often I think. At least it would keep me sane for a longer period of time.

I remember in Grade 12 sitting in the middle of the forest² and really just meeting God in a really personal way. I guess for a long time I haven’t felt that. I’m not sure why, but it seems to have gone the way of my art. Left behind somewhere in my past, but that I want to rediscover. I’ve been forcing this art thing for some time and its just not working in the most frustrating of ways. I guess I could dwell on this or just get off my butt and do it.

School is tomorrow bright and early. Alex is in my class and for this I’m totally awesome. It makes me happy I’ll get to see someone I know first thing. And someone who won’t drive me insane³.

The depressing thing is that when I was at home in Calgary for Christmas I missed being at school, but now that I’m here I totally miss there.

1. which is a feat all in itself for this city↩
2. doing a prayer maze↩
3. much at least↩

For the record, the new Within Temptation album The Heart of Everything is, I must admit, their best album to date. Its fantastic and beautiful, heartwarming and thoughtful and I haven’t heard and album as good for a while. It is hauntingly beautiful like most of their stuff, but this is different vocally. Its all around beautiful.

I’ve realized lately that I’ve become more and more critical of the church as a whole. I’m just really not feeling it. My sister goes to an Evangelical Free church down here, yet they don’t do evangelism. Its hypocritical and I’m just finding that everything seems so contrived. Everyone sings these songs, Got a glimpse of your splendor/in the corner of my eye, that song in particular not only, as my professor put it, contradicts 2 Corinthians 3:7-18, but is also slightly hypocritical because how many people have seen God’s splendor is such a tangible way? I only know one person who could sing that with the truth that “yes this has happened.” But the Corinthians thing shocked even me.

12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a] the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Corinthians challenges us to be not like Moses who’s radiance faded, but to be like the Spirit which surpasses that and will never fade. Third Day’s song wants to be like Moses, to see that splendor. I understand that fully, who wants to see God’s splendor? Most people do! But if we strive to be like Moses as the song suggests we have dulled minds and veiled hearts.
Clearly a theological approach. I think this class has ruined church music for me, but when I think about it I’ve had this uncomfortable feeling during worship for a long time. I went to see Chris Tomlin and everyone in the stadium at their hands raised and were singing along and all I could think was, “This seems to fake. All these people, hands raised, will just leave the minute the speaker comes on to pursue more important matters.” The very idea that Chris Tomlin took a hymn and didn’t credit the original author still irks me, but is far beside the point. Worship seems to have become an industry and like any industry is a money-maker. You pay $85 for the privilege to worship with Chris Tomlin. Churches pay $800 annually just for the rights to project the image of the text on the screen. If you don’t you’re fined $150, 000 American. Maybe I’m jaded, maybe I think we should be able to worship for free. Maybe I just agree with Matt Brouwer that we shouldn’t have to pay to be able to worship our God.

On a more comical note I actually had someone who told me I was going against the Bible for not agreeing with Barlowgirl’s song Average Girl. That got an “lol wut?” from me. For a refresher the chorus is No more dating I’m just waiting Like Sleeping Beauty My prince will come for me - will come for me No more dating I’m just waiting ‘Cause God is writing my love story - my love story. So last time I checked this wasn’t biblical. Purity, yes. But this isn’t about purity, its about a personal choice not to date. I find that a lot of girls I talk to are beginning to take this stance, but I question motives. Are you doing it because Barlowgirl is or because God as genuinely called you to this? Is it a decision based on prayer and discussion or because a popular music act has done it first? In most of the girls I’ve seen its like “God will send someone, so I’ll just wait for Him to do it.” In my experience God doesn’t come to you. You can sit and wait and wait and He may come sometimes, but he wants you to chase after Him as well. Pursue Him, and He’ll pursue you. Again, in most of these girls I find the waiting bit and expecting God to pull through on their terms, on their time schedule etc. which again fails miserably. But I think my favourite are the girls who make this decision at the age of 14 or so and then by the time they are 16 are so fervently worried that God will never send them that person and they’ll be alone forever! The choice you made should have been trusting in God, not inflicting your time upon Him.

I don’t know why I’ve been so critcal lately. I love the church and everything, but I’m angered by the lack of anything I see in our youth groups and such. I stopped going to mine because it was superficial. If you didn’t look the part they didn’t like you. That really turns a person off.

A person once told me that How Deep the Father’s Love For Us was their favourite song done in church, that is always made them cry, that it was touching on a deep level. The thing is, this person turned out to be a fairly giant hypocrite and also delt considerable pain upon me, so I hadn’t listened to it for a long time. Currently, I’ve got it playing. Its beautiful and I think that it sums up my feelings for everything.

Behold the Man upon a cross My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice Call out among the scoffers
Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart His wounds have paid my ransom